Tales From A Brown Girl, Traveling The World, Trying to Make Something Beautiful
Mourning the many phases of life……….
I didn’t realize we grieve loss of all types not just the passing of those we love dearly. As I ponder the changes of my own life, I’ve been crying since September. Tears have dampened my pillows, a deep sadness has filled by bed, and held my mind hostage for longer than I realize.
You see, my plan was to roam the world, take a sabbatical from my job and enjoy being submerged in the sensory overload of traveling the globe. I’ve been cultivating this plan for 5 years, get my son settled in college and bust a move. Covid deferred that dream, but now I understand that the pandemic provided me with the opportunity to be at home in during what I never imagined would be my dads final days. I wasn’t told his condition was terminal until September, yet now that I think back, every conversation we’ve had in the past year since he told me he was sick was preparation. So yes, I’ve been crying since September.
I’ve lived in the state of Georgia since 2001, it’s where I called home and where my son was born. Yes, I faced many challenges, but learned I had an unrelenting will to carry on in my lowest of days, full of feelings of failure and shame. So leaving Georgia is a loss, leaving an old life of structured stability, a comfortable salary, and selective isolation is another layer of grief. Leaving my child even though he is in college means I don’t see him on the weekends he comes home, I don’t get to cook his favorites, and that annoying chatter of young men will be missed.
Though I live simply, I enjoy my space, I’m not materialistic, but I surround myself with items that comfort me and encourage me to pursue my passions. I no longer have my space, many of my personal comforts, and those I do have are boxed away with the emotions I felt packing them. It wasn’t supposed to be this way, I’m supposed to have everything planned and figured out but I don’t. So I sit, confused and out of place at “home” missing the person who so effortlessly lived and enjoyed life. I’m never in a position where I feel completely confused, I always have things figured out, another layer of sadness and grief.
The question, which is easier? The answer, none! I’ve cried, laid on the floor, gasping for air, snot covering my face, gut wrenching tears, sobs, and submitted to the sadness and pain. I became needy, desperate, reaching for anything that was close to hang my heart because letting go was unimaginable. Today, I know the universe makes no mistakes and I will thank the fuckery that is covid for keeping me planted and giving me the courage to take a few steps backwards to move 5 forward.
You see, if you had the pleasure of knowing my dad, those would be your sentiments because he was a true gem. No, that’s not how we usually refer to men, but he never met a person who didn’t love him, and if he did, that means you my friend didn’t have shit but bad intentions.
For those who feel they were discarded by those that share their DNA, I hope you had the fortune to be blessed as I was. God makes no mistakes, Bob Marley needed a Bass player, Prince, Rick James, Michel Jackson, And Maurice Rhodes got some serious jam sessions to continue. At the moment I don’t want to hear your music, my heart is broken because I will no longer hear you in the garage or your music room playing, but YouTube is filled with clips, the house with pictures, and the bass you played will forever hang on my wall in the future space I call home……..
My friends, do what you love in this life and never apologize for making yourself happy. Follow your intuition! I can’t say this enough! Many times I feel like my intuition is fear, paranoia or my ego trying to control my emotions. But for the things that are important, lately I’ve been spot on. Go see that sick parent, call that friend, start that business, heal the old wounds, celebrate every win, and love without apologizing. We spend so much time focused on what we can’t see, an afterlife that isn’t certain, enjoy the now, love now, because the only guarantee, is that it will change in an instant ❤️
The brown girl, traveling the world, trying to make something beautiful is having a hard time at the moment, but she will carry on……