The Ugliness of Grief

Why are y’all here? Don’t you know I’ve been crying since September?

No, I don’t want to talk to all these people that I don’t know, about my dad, shit, they are a reminder that he is gone and they aren’t. No, I’m not rude, that’s how the fuck I feel. I don’t want to talk to you, look at pictures or hear music unless that’s what I decide to do! I didn’t ask you to make a decision for me, and I don’t appreciate the assumption that this will make me feel better, it won’t. I get annoyed in the post office, so why do you think I wanna sip drinks and have a meal in remembrance? So I can burst into tears? No thanks, I’ll stay in my space, staring at the wall, or the tv until you make your impolite exit. Don’t ask where I am or what I’m doing, it’s irrelevant, all you need to know is that I haven’t lost my shit in a public place out of anger. So keep it moving, mind your business and let’s pretend to keep it cool on the side of the living.

You think it ends, it doesn’t. What happens is you learn to deal with the irrational range of emotions that show up at strange moments. You silently rage at the seniors in the post office because they are simply alive, then you wonder, why do they get to live. You aren’t really upset at those poor seniors whose lives are a mystery, they could have lived horrors, might rather be dead, you just see them and feel cheated of the life that no longer fills the recliner in the living room. But you pull yourself together, muffle the words, squeeze back the tears, and wait until the late night alone to release the rage that you’ve contained today.

Nobody talks about the constant reminders that trigger grief, they don’t tell you that after the death is the easy part. Yes the phone calls, text messages, cards and flowers can be overwhelming, but you respond automatically, you need to keep busy or do something. No you don’t want to really talk, but you want a distraction, so you seek to hear what’s going on in the lives of others, despite feeling like shit it keeps you busy. What comes after the celebration of life is the emptiness, the unfamiliar silence, the dead energy that drapes a room, you don’t want to exist in it but where can you go? You don’t want to see the shrine of pictures or the ashes, you hope all the music equipment sells quickly, and you are sick and tired of your mother playing the music into the wee hours of the night! But what can you do in these moments, not a thing, so you let the feelings pass, and try again. Tomorrow might not be any better, but at least you recognize the cycle you are in and face the emotions, no matter how awful or unfamiliar. People judge your silence as disrespect, but you could care less, you find peace in not taking most days.

Then you get on a plane, and you do what comes naturally, fly! In the air you have no worries (well you are wearing a mask, sanitizing seats, trying not to absorb the air of others) but what is certain, the change of environment will occupy your mind and elevate some of the weight that his filled your chest. You do your rona check by deep breathing and holding your breath for a few seconds, all good, you fall back, pull up your hoodie, relax into the headrest and snooooozeeeee. Bits of turbulence rattle the seats, but your nerves aren’t bothered and before you can finish your dream, the wheels touch turf and a new adventure begins………

Much love from the brown girl, traveling the world, trying to make something beautiful~Ny