Pregnancy is pretty, you marvel at the changes of your body, how it adjusts to accommodate the invasion that changes the only true home you know. The excitement radiates in your cheeks, blush as your face illuminates simply from a touch of the stomach. Pregnancy is beautiful, weight gain in all the right places, the flavor of food much more delicious, and rest so deep that it can’t be described. Pregnancy is lovely, everyone caters to your every need, strangers stop and marvel at your beauty, ask to rub your belly, congratulate you on the pending delivery. Pregnancy is soooo much, until it becomes deadly.
We have all seen and heard it is a bloody business, but today most women give birth in a sterilized hospital, laying in a bed, and before the baby takes the first feeding, the sheets are changed, baby is wiped clean, mommy has combed her hair, changed her gown, and the family is welcomed in to fuss, cry and snap shots of the beginning of many firsts. Life in this moment is perfect……..
The blood slips easily, in chunks, she can hear them as they fall into the toilet, her stomach is again swollen as if no birth had taken place. As she turns on the light she sees that blood trails the floor leading back to her side of the bed, she removes the covers, more blood. Quickly her mind thinks, yet she doesn’t have the strength to move, she knows something is wrong, and death is certain……..
The bright lights, cold body wrapped in a blanket, the pain, and the blood continues to fall, she can feel it seeping out of her body, yet she is unable to control her actions, in her mind she is trying to put her body back together, she remembers her baby, yet can’t remember where she left him, the lights have confused her, she sleeps……. did he do it this time, yes, he finally did……
“We don’t lose mothers on my watch, this will hurt, I’m sorry, but we don’t lose mothers” I feel like the insides of my body are splitting once again, a hand searches for my uterus, and pushes, the pain is excruciating, as she pushes, she is pulling out the blood, no longer in small chunks the size of prunes, large clots fill a bucket, I can hear them dropping like steaks, as if my body is being sectioned for a smoking grill…
Days later I wake, the hospital bed comforts me, engorged breasts drip, I remember, and now I wonder, where is my baby!!! In my state of madness I scream, only to be heard by the white walls that blind me…..
The Unnerved Mother