Yesterday someone asked me what satisfaction I get out of blogging when the goal of most bloggers is social media status and temporary internet fame. I thought about it for a while and asked myself the same question, what satisfaction do I get out of blogging? The answer is simple, yet complicated, blogging is an emotional outlet, I can be completely vulnerable with the screen without judgement. I am a person that thrives on communication and human connections, I am not really a fan of talking online, texting, or any form of electronic interaction, I read a lot of content but rarely comment. Problem is, that is the world we live in and we have become conditioned that it is vital to our existence. So yes, I text, I Facebook, I Instagram, I Tweet, but I would much rather sit across from a living being on a cozy couch over a cup of coffee or a glass of wine, smoking a cigar and discuss life. Since most days that doesn’t happen, I communicate with the screen as I listen to music as I read blogs, as I analyze pictures with a million thoughts about the direction I see my like taking.
Honest conversation is probably the most difficult for me to accept in a world where we are faced with presenting the perfect perception for the masses, so much so that it is seen as “oversharing” or considered “attention seeking”. I will admit, I once dedicated myself to being perfect and hiding how life was really kicking my ass most days, I am a master at it. Think about it, if someone asks you “how are you” they expect to hear “I am fine, I am good, I am great”, but what about the days where that simply isn’t true? Why can’t you express how you really feel without facing judgement or ridicule from others?
No, I am not fine today, I am dreading the news from the doctor but I am trying to be positive. No, I am not fine today, my child leaves for college in a week and though I am proud, I will miss him tremendously, but I don’t want to seem like a selfish mother. No, I am not fine today, I have an issue that I could always discuss with my brother for clarity and I can’t pick up the phone and call him because I don’t know where he is, but I will be positive because I don’t deal with the same demons as he does so I should be thankful that I am not in the same space. No, I am not fine today, tomorrow is my birthday (my birthday isn’t tomorrow) and my favorite cousin who was always the first person to send me wishes and love on another year of life is dead because he didn’t feel like he could be honest about his feelings, or that he had genuine love in his circle, but I will be thankful that I am alive. No, I am not ok today, my son asked if it was ok for him to bring his baby brother home with him, and though I have no ill feelings towards the baby, a part of me feels like this is an invasion of my boundaries because while I have no ill feelings towards the child, his father is a constant trigger and I feel like this is his way of disrespecting my boundaries. But how do you tell your son, No, you can’t bring your brother home with you and be seen as a kind caring loving mom? No, I am not ok today because I feel like I have spent my entire adult life in an environment where I was unable to be my true self and now that I am comfortable doing that, people take that as an opportunity to play games with the same vulnerability that you share. But imma be positive, because I shouldn’t let that bother me. And what about the days where you just don’t feel like being positive, you feel like shit, you are angry, sad, crying, yes you get yourself together most days and face the world, but most of us do this without letting someone know that is how we are truly feeling. No I am not playing victim, not being ungrateful, just being honest about the things that take up space in our minds that we hold inside because we are ashamed to admit those truths.
All of this I feel is bullshit, my desire is simple, to be able to be myself, communicate my true and honest feelings on a daily basis, good or bad, and have people in my life that understand the importance of doing the same. Period. So in my desire for that, I will use the screen and the keyboard starting with my real and true feelings and experiences while I travel. I can tackle the reality of life in pieces, as it comes, and as I am ready. No I did not preview or spend days checking this post because I simply didn’t feel like being perfect today!
Yes Nyri is really Unnerved today. Be well, be true, be honest and love with acceptance versus expectations.